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Yo, let me tell you about this one weirdo I saw today.
So I was chillin’ outside that one abandoned restaurant right next to the abandoned bookstore. I was smokin’ some cigs and thinkin’ about how I was gonna get the money to fix my car’s air conditioner. I look over to my left and I saw this white guy slowly walkin’ down the street with a dumb grin on his face. He had a business suit on as if he was goin’ to work, but it was all ragged as if he bought it from the Salvation Army or somethin’.
He muttered somethin’ about the vast becomin’ the tiny and the tangible atom of eternity, whatever that means. Then he started singin’. Hol’ up. Let me put on my best impression of him. "He flies through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young man on the flying trapeze!" I looked it up later and found it was some really old song, over 200 years old. What kinda guy listens to music from the 1930s? Seriously?
I gave him a dirty look. Everyone on the block did. He didn’t seem to care, though. He just laughed out loud and said somethin’ about a trapeze to some sort of eternity. Either he was dumb or he wasn’t from around here. When he walked past me, he said somethin’ about wantin’ to read Joyce once again. I don’t know who this Joyce guy is and I don’t care.
When he got to the corner, he reached into the gutter and pulled out a penny. He looked at that thing as if he were holdin’ some major bling. Then he said, "I have one cent. It is an American coin." Someone else walkin’ by told him, "Great observation, Captain Obvious." The white guy didn’t notice. He just kept ramblin’ about that penny he found. He started imaginin’ all the things he would do with it. He said he would buy a motor car, dress like a fop, or visit the hotel strumpets. Who still uses the word strumpets nowadays? And what’s a fop? No, seriously. What’s a fop?
The guy then wished for someone to give him a job where he could sit at a desk all day and do math. He then started listin’ off all the food he would buy with the money he would make. He just went on and on like that for about five minutes, and I was just standin’ there thinkin’, "Okay, dude. We get it. You’re hungry. You can shut up about that now." He then said he would hold a cut melon to his nostrils for hours, and I’m all like, "Bruh, what?"
Then he read the words on the penny and said some really long-winded stuff. If I remember right, it went somethin’ like this: "How prettily it smiles, how beautiful it is. No American coin can be made to shine so brilliantly as a penny. How many pennies would I need to go on living? Perhaps I could give the coin to some child. A child could buy any number of things with a penny."
I had just about had it with that guy’s obnoxiousness. Then he started singin’ that song he sung earlier. At that point I went up to him, punched him right in the mouth, and he fell to the ground. I’m pretty sure I knocked him out because he didn’t make a sound after that. I then said to him, "Shut up, dumbass. Why you ramblin’ about a penny? You dumb. You really, really dumb." Then I grabbed that stupid penny and threw it down the gutter.
So that’s how my day went. How was yours?
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